Month 15 | Clomid #4

3-1-15

I was pretty sure that I was pregnant last month. I read Clomid fourth month success stories to try and get through that 14 day wait. I felt pregnant because I know exactly when I ovulated. I was getting heartburn, nausea, migraines. I was convinced. About two days before, I realized my body was playing tricks on me. And sure enough, like clockwork Aunt Flo came.

I didn't cry when it happened.

It happened at work.

I know my body, so I knew that it was coming.

I prayed for so much strength that morning,

Knowing how scared I was that I'd fall apart in front of my class.

I put on my smile and I danced like a weirdo on the rug with my preschoolers.

I sure love the cute kiddos in my class.

They give me a reason to smile through the pain.

So does PJ, and Duke, and the gospel, and my family, friends and even silly things like food.

There is so much good in my life.

My world is rocked around day 31 of my cycle month after month.

It takes its toll on me emotionally and physically,

I get the worst anxiety two days before, the night before… and then the morning of…

Anxiety has been a struggle with me for years, but I have gotten really good at knowing my triggers and knowing how to get through it. I'm honestly amazed at my strength to get through it all without medication and with so much heart ache. I couldn't do it without my Savior and my incredible husband.

My anxiety is mostly in control, but when the day to find out if I'm pregnant or not is coming, I get really scared.

I think I'm most scared of falling apart on that day over and over.

And one day, I think I'm scared that it could to break me.

I have been completely rock bottom and hopeless before.

I had depression hit me really hard during my Sophomore year of college.

Along with anxiety & blood deficiencies, I was pretty low.

And I never want to go back to that place.

I have come a LONG way since then, but my anxiety is still a fight every day.

I can usually pull myself together pretty fast, at least for the public eye,

but each month that crack in my heart tears a little more.

I still have hope that it will happen.

I know it will. But it's hard.

I keep thinking. If this wasn't hard. If I didn't have this trial, then I wouldn't be growing and I wouldn't be relying on the enabling power of the atonement. We all have different trials and different blessings. Jesus Christ knows how I feel. He has bourne my griefs and carried my sorrows. He suffered more pain than imaginable. And He is the reason I can pull myself back together each time. He's is why I find reasons to smile and laugh every day. I'm a little bit broken inside, but He makes me whole.