Month 14 | Diagnosis: Infertility
2-1-15
A word that crushes you
emotionally and physically
month after a month.
A word that was used to talk about my body.
A word that I've been trying to get past for a while now.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A mom." (I was that kid in elementary school.)
Ever since I was little I knew that's what I wanted. In college, I studied child development. My career is in the development and preschool years. I am a lover of all children. In a crowd, I am drawn to the children. They are my favorite company to keep.
Yet, right now, I am not able to have any of my own.
I know I'm young, you don't need to tell me... I have time blah blah.
This has been very hard.
There are moments each month, where I just crumble.
I curl into a little ball under my covers and cry out loud in my bed.
When another friend/cousin/family member is pregnant.
When I've seen my 50th baby bump of the day.
I cry.
It's heartbreaking to want something so bad, and finding out each month that it isn't happening.
PJ holds me month after month as I cry.
He is my anchor and my rock.
He lets me be sad for the right amount of time & then picks me back up again, and off I go to work.
Is it possible to think that there are SO many people out there facing silent heartache and trial?
I have had to search my soul and hanging on so tight to my testimony of the gospel.
On this heartbreaking journey of infertility, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about my body, and about my relationships, I've learned the boundaries that some people do not have, and ones that I will respect the day I do become pregnant. I have mostly learned to have faith in God's plan and in His timing.
This has been challenging for me. At first, when faced with this trial, I kept thinking, why me? why hasn't it happened yet? why is my body failing me? Why is someone who doesn't even want kids getting pregnant without even trying, while I'm trying my heart out and want them more than anything. I thought about why a lot, but then I started to catch onto some of the why's as time unfolded.
There are things that I need to face and I need to go through in order to
A. grow closer to my Savior
B. grow as a person, a wife, a friend, a teacher
There have been pretty big blessings within this trial that wouldn't have happened without it. Sometimes our trials (like this one of waiting so long to get pregnant) are blessings in disguise. While it's happening we don't realize all the blessings, but then as life unfolds you can start to realize them. We have been able to find joy in having Duke join our family. We have been able to find joy in traveling, and making lasting friendships. We have found joy in each other, and in career changes.
Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so, all is right
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now, shun the fight?
Gird up your loins, fresh courage take
Our God will never us forsake
And soon we'll have this tale to tell
All is well; all is well
Two lines stick out to me.
There are so many people going trough harder trials that me, so why should I think mine are so bad? Life is alright! And it really is, I love my life. I love my husband. I love my dog. I love my job. I love my friends. Life is alright!
Why should we think to earn a great reward, if we now shun the fight? I've realized I can't just ask for things if I'm not ready to work for it, and to sacrifice. I have been working for it. I have done everything I can at this point to work for it as far as it comes to doctors, blood tests, medications and research. But sometimes, the timing still isn't there. So now my goal is sacrifice more. Get to the temple more and study the gospel more.
It hasn't been 'til recently that I have found peace in this trial.
For almost of year of it, it's been a lot of turmoil and frustration.
I never lost my testimony that God loves me,
but I didn't have complete faith that my body will be able to have a baby.
I felt very betrayed by my own body.
Now I feel at peace knowing that I will one day have a baby.
We might have to try many different things before we get to that point.
I have faith, unwavering faith.
I know that I will have a baby.
It took me a LONG time to get to this point.
I always wanted to have faith, but before, I had doubts that it would happen.
Now, I know that it will.
I just do not know when.
Heavenly Father is watching out for me.
That even though this is so hard, it will be so rewarding.
I know that it will take many tears, many prayers, fasting, visits to the temple, personal study and heartache.
I found peace in the scriptures. Lately, I have been able to relate to specific instances in the scriptures that relate exactly to my situation. Not being able to have kids is nothing new. So many women, even anciently faced this trial. Elisabeth and Zacharias went through the burden of not being able to have kids for a long time. When they were old and Elisabeth was barren, they were blessed with the miracle of a son (Luke 1). In another scripture Rachel couldn't have kids, while her sister had many. It says, "and God remembered Rachel and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb" (Genesis 30:22). God remembered Rachel and Elisabeth and one day, he remembers me. "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye Lord" (Psalms 113:9).
I found peace in the temple. Going through and doing initiatory work reminds me of the sacred promises that happen when I keep my covenants with the Lord. Going through an endowment sessions helps me think about eternal life, and motherhood as an eternal role. I will always be able to be a mother, no matter what happens in this life.
I found peace in my patriarchal blessing. I will bear children.
I have to dig deep into my heart and soul each day, to keep this peace within, to trust in my imperfect body and in my Savior. Christ can strengthen our weaknesses. Miracles still happen everyday. He will heal me.
God will NEVER us forsake,
Soon we'll have this tale to tell,
All is well, All is well.
"While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Joseph B. Worthlin
I can't wait for the day.
